I don’t write a whole lot about personal experiences on here, or a whole lot of practical things. Usually they are about changing mindsets and giving understanding rather than instruction. So, just to peer into my life and what I’ve dealt with I thought I’d write something “real” that may be beneficial to others. This is rather personal and I’m a little wary of sharing, but I think it’s important that I speak about it because it is so prevalent in and out of marriage, in the church, and even among pastors.
I had dealt with lust since the onset of puberty. I had looked at a website for game cheats and which also had a men’s channel. Out of curiosity I clicked it and saw “Babe of the Week”. They were all either in revealing clothing or censored. I saw someone comment on them that he wanted more porn. I thought it was unusual that I would see just as much skin on commercials on daytime television as the pictures I saw there so I wondered what was the big deal. I got an appreciation for a fuller bust and instead of undressing girls in my head like most guys, I would picture them fully clothed, but larger. I felt guilty about it, told some people about my problem and they thought it was funny and no big deal. They said lusting was wanting to have intercourse with a girl that isn’t your wife. I was fairly sheltered, so I never even had the idea pop in my head. It still bothered me though because it was still voyeurism.
I thought this problem would go away when I had a girlfriend. It didn’t. Then I thought when I got married it would, but it was only a temporary fix. Since the beginning, after I would look, or read stories, or imagine erotic things, I’d try to block it out and read Ps119 or chapters 6-8 of Romans which both referred to war in the flesh. That didn’t help, trying to have an accountability partner didn’t help, even having a wife didn’t help. What made it worse was that my wife was in a wheel chair. I would look at other couples and see how they could embrace each other and walk together or swing at a park or whatever, and wish I could do that with my wife. Her arms are too rigid and her torso is encased in plastic, she’s constantly sitting and I can’t bend down far enough, I can barely hold her hand while walking. I’d get depressed and go look at someone on the internet that could flirt or flaunt. I didn’t want to look at hardcore or anything, but I wanted to see what could be. It became a security blanket whenever I was stressed. I thought she’d never be healed. I’ve prayed hours on end, I’ve read books, memorized scripture, worshipped for hours on end, tried to figure out if an exorcism was necessary, use anointing oil, go to healing rooms, etc etc. I thought my wife would deliver me from lust, but it hasn’t. I’ve got added frustration that makes me want to find an out. I want her to give me the comfort, but I see a handicap and have to deal with it and it’s hard not to separate the two. I so want to just, at least embrace her. So I get bitter, and she would think I hate her and wonder why would I ever cheat on her. It wasn’t about her. I was mad at God. Mad that He never delivered me, mad that reading all those scriptures never worked, mad that I didn’t exactly get the wedding I had hoped for, or a wife that was physically whole. I thought He would never fix these things so I would find my own answer.
During this journey I’ve found that we can’t become bitter so as to close ourselves off from God. That bitterness hurts our relationship with Him and with everyone around us. I hurt my wife, and unknowingly hurt the women I looked at. Just found out recently that all if not 99% of women on the internet are a part of human trafficking and held against their will. I felt hopeless and in return harmed those who already felt hopeless and more alone than I ever was. So as Jesus said, I cut off the hand that caused me to sin. My wife installed a web protection program and I entered every possible way I could find someone to lust after. I blocked Facebook, YouTube, actually all video and image sites and search engines. I blocked the names of the women I had looked at. I got rid of the excuse to get on Facebook and linked WordPress to it so I could still write notes. And I had to repent for the bitterness I held onto.
I still have frustration because I don’t have the healing yet or the answers, but at least I have a wife that cares about me, loves me, doesn’t hold grudges, and respects me. I can enjoy being in the same room with her, whereas other couples often fight or get irritated.
If you are married and something stands in the way of your intimacy, it’s best to make sure that you can have a release through music or a walk or something. I would say go straight to prayer, but that doesn’t always get you in a relaxed state. Once you get into a relaxed state, then pray and ask for the bitterness to be healed and pour out what has been bothering you. Then I believe God will give you the response you need to work things out with your spouse and you can come to understand one another and then make love and enjoy one another.
r.b. bamburg 